In My Pain I Call To You
by Khaos Angel
Summary: Kurama is heartbroken when hiei does not return to him. ((better summary inside)) I rated this fic R for safety reasons. If (and when) I continue, there may be some lemon in later chapters. And it may get a bit violent and suicidalself destructive at
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: sadly enough, I own nothing about Yu Yu Hakusho. I didn't write it, I didn't dub it, I didn't do anything that has to do with the anime or the manga. So I would appreciate it if you didn't try to sue me for writing about it. 

This is my first of a hopefully promising new line of stories and such. All of my earlier works lack the depth that I seem to have acquired over the past months. And I am now deciding to display some of that depth to the readers online and to my friends and family. I write more clearly now than I ever have before, I write more about love because I understand it more, I write more about pain because I understand it as much as I understand love. The two go together though. But I am not here to bore you with my philosophy about love and pain, life and death and sanity and insanity. I am here to write you a story about a fox demon who is in pain, who is in love, and who only wants to be with the one who he feels he cannot have. 

The day was rainy and bleak. And as I walked down a crowded Tokyo street with my mother, I couldn't help but think about a fire demon that had, once again, stolen my heart and everything that went along with it. I longed to call him. I longed to be close to him and to embrace him. I longed to look into his brilliantly crimson eyes and cry my own eyes until every ounce of water was out of my body. I wanted to die for him. I wanted him to die for me. Oh gods…I wanted all the things I could not have.

Where are you right now? Are you feeling the same pain that I feel? Do you long for the passions that we have only briefly been able to exchange? Do you long to see me again? Do you even care that you are tearing me apart from inside? Are you that cold, you can't possibly be as cold as you would like everyone to believe. I know better than to believe that. Do you not believe that? Oh gods… do you honestly think that you can go your entire life without love? Please…I don't want it to be this way. I don't want us to be apart any longer! I want us to be together forever the way it is meant to be! It doesn't matter what the others say! We can run away from the others! Are you so blind that you can't see that?! Are you running from me? 

I shook my head at the thought of my lover. He would come back to me in time… He always did. But this time had been different. And, despite my mental protests at not remembering what had happened last night…I saw his eyes again, I saw the tears that had been forming there. I saw them again in the detail that I hoped I my mind wouldn't be able to capture. 

Why were you crying..? Had I done something to make you cry? Had I done something to make you feel unwanted? Had I said something..? Had someone else said something? Was there any way for me to find you if you wouldn't come back? Was there any way for me to every have you in my arms again if you were too frightened to come back to me? Was there anything at all that I could do? Anything? I would willingly do anything if it meant getting you back? Can you hear me now? As I think these things? Are your telepathic powers branched out into my mind, reading everything that I think like it is an open book. 

I felt the tears beginning to sting the back of my eyes. I knew that I had to quickly compose myself. I was in the presence of my human mother, I didn't want her to see me cry for a reason that I couldn't honestly tell her to its full extent. I didn't want her to see me cry over a demon that if she only knew she would love as much as I did. I didn't want her to see me cry over someone that wasn't there to comfort me, to justify his own actions, I didn't want her to see me cry because I didn't want to have to think of myself crying. I didn't want to cry over him again. Like I had already done so many times before. And that I knew I would do many times more.

I wiped my eyes quickly. Trying my best to make it seem that I had merely had something in my eye. How often is it that mortals use that excuse? How often had I used it in my 16 years of mortal life? How many more times would I use it? Was it my human qualities that he liked so much? Was is my demon qualities that I fought every day to hold on to? Or, was it the perfect mixture between the two? Was it the mixture that made me who I was and that made the sweet drink that he was so addicted to.

Is there a reason that I feel this pain? I silently begged every god of every religion that I had ever heard of to answer my plea. I begged gods that I had absolutely no believe of. I begged the gods of thieves in Makai…I begged the gods of saints in cathedrals… I begged the gods of religions as different from one another as Christianity and Buddhism. I begged the virgin Mary, I begged Jesus Christ, I begged Buddha, I begged any and every god that came to mind when I sent out my desperate plea for answers.

But I didn't get any answers. Not that I had honestly expected any. Can you see me as I am now? I asked my distant torturer and lover. Can you see the madness that you have driven me to? Can you see me standing in the street silently praying to gods that you have never heard of for the answers to questions that I don't honestly believe have answers? Can you see me now Hiei? Can you see me as I stand here today? Longing you? Needing you? Dieing for you? Please… If you can see me… Please come and save me before it is too late. Save me before I am driven to total insanity. Please Hiei…come back here and rescue me?

Well… I hope you like it so far. Please tell me if you want me to write more. This is a new style of writing for me, it's more deep and more angsty than I am used to. But, review it if you liked it.

~Khaos Angel


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: sadly enough, I own nothing about Yu Yu Hakusho. I didn't write it, I didn't dub it, I didn't do anything that has to do with the anime or the manga. So I would appreciate it if you didn't try to sue me for writing about it. 

I want to address the review from Curry. I am not planning on quitting this fic until I have it finished. See, I already have a lot of this planned out. Well, more or less anyway. I know what is going to happen and later twists to put into it, I don't know the end yet (hell, I may even put up two separate endings if I have to), so you don't really have to worry about me stopping the fic. By the way, in this chapter there may be some telepathic communication. I'm not yet sure but, if there is I will set it apart by putting it into // //. Thank you for reading through to the second chapter. Enjoy!

WARNING: This chapter may contain some things that is not really a healthful thing to attempt yourself. I give you this advance warning because some of the things that may be done really shouldn't be done. I put them here because it is an all too popular way to handle one's grief. Read ahead with slight caution.

Of course, Hiei hadn't heard me call to him that day. He hadn't heard, but I'm not too certain that he would have came to me if he had. Me claiming to be in pain was nothing really. Pain came and went for humans (and those who have to be in the body of one), pain was something that I had grown accustomed to. But that didn't mean that I enjoyed it, or wished it to continue.

My mother did, however, begin to notice a change in my behavior. She noticed that I stayed in my room for longer amounts of time than I usually did, that I didn't smile. But she didn't see the marks. For now the marks that were appearing don't mean anything…no new ones were visible, and no new ones would be until I had another breakdown.

Which I had one night. One night about two months after Hiei had first left. I sat on my futon crying, by this time I didn't even care about the tears. By this time I hardly noticed anything around me. I did notice the knife that lay beside me… I picked it up and stared at the gleaming blade. It had been used many times, many years ago. I had used it when I was still Yoko Kurama…and had only got it back one night as a surprise gift from Hiei. How ironic. The weapon given to me that used to inflict pain upon others was now used to inflict pain upon me. I pressed it to the soft skin on my arm. Grimacing slightly as I trailed it across my skin. Gods it hurt…I pressed deeper than I usually did. This one would scar worse than any of the others. I grabbed the towel that I had sitting beside me and wrapped my arm in it, marveling at how the blood seeped through the fabric. 

My heart leapt when I heard a faint tap on my window. My head jerked up and I saw the unmistakable figure of Hiei. My Hiei! My beloved had came back to me finally! I rushed to the window and opened it quickly, letting him in, the towel fell from my arm as I did so.

He stared at it as if it were a monster. "Why did you do that to yourself?!" He asked gruffly, hugging me carefully. Undoubtedly trying to think of all the other ways I had found to hurt myself. 

Suddenly it struck me that he had left me for months with no explanation! I shoved him away from me roughly. "You bastard!" I whispered the words as if they hurt me to say them, which they did, they hurt me so much. I could see that they hurt him to. His crimson eyes shimmered slightly, but he wouldn't cry. No, I doubted that he had cried once the entire time.

"You're wrong Kurama… I cried every night… everyday..every waking moment. I even cried while I slept." He whispered. That little telepathic asshole! He had been reading my mind and knew everything that I thought as I thought it! Not even my thoughts were safe from him…

"Then why did you leave?!" I cursed silently when my mother walked into the room. But, how did this look to her? Her son standing in the arms of another male. Thankfully, Hiei shielded my arm wonderfully.

Hiei pulled away from me and retreated toward the window. I fought myself not to grab onto him and not let him escape through the still open window. But he didn't make any move to run any farther. It seemed to me that he just felt safer with the window to his back, a convenient way for him to dash out if the insuring conversation became to heated for him to stand.

"Who is you friend Shuuichi?" My mother asked, looking from Hiei to me. 

I fidgeted slightly. Was there any way to get out of telling my mother that Hiei was just a friend? How much had she seen? What was going through her mind. "It isn't what you think." It was Hiei who spoke first. Slightly surprising me.

"Then what was it?" She asked sternly, not liking the look of Hiei and not liking what she had walked in on. "Shuuichi, how often to you host boys in your room?"

Hiei blushed, and so did I. So she knew then? She knew what I had tried to hide from her. It could be worse though, it could be a lot worse. She could know that Hiei was a demon, or that she had been harboring a demon fugitive for about 16 years.

I stared at the ground, not able to look into mothers stern and demanding eyes. Why did she have to look at me the way I knew she was? Why did she even have to be in my room? Why couldn't she just try and forget what she had seen and leave me be? Why couldn't I go back in time and stop it from being seen? Why couldn't I be strong enough to look into my mother's eyes?

//Kurama…// Hiei said quietly.

//What?!// I was slightly snappy in my response, this entire situation had begun to annoy me.

//I think I know how to get your mother to leave…// Why was he being so calm and collected at a time like this!? How could he possibly think of something to do when not even I could?

//Really?// He was, however, beginning to spark my curiosity.

//First, it will require you lying to her convincingly. Can you manage that?// There was a small gleam in his eyes, and looked at it an captured it. It was breath taking. The shine in his already intense eyes. They looked as if he could make a hawk turn away its gaze.

//I can lie to her.// I muttered it angrily. Did he think that I was such a "god boy" that I had never lied to my mother?

//I never said or thought that Kurama…// He had been reading my mind yet again. How many time would he do this before he finally saw that it made me angry?

//What do you propose we do?// I asked with a hint of anger in my mental voice.

//You tell her that you are going out with me. But only on a trial bases. Only to test your limits and to test the friendships that you have.// His words stung my heart to its deepest crevices.

//I thought I was going out with you…//

//Kurama…I said lie to her, I never said that the whole thing would be a lie.// He looked at my mother briefly and then turned his gaze back to me. //I love you Kurama…now, lets get out of this little mess so that we can talk?//

//Alright.// 

I swallowed and looked up at my mother. "Mother… I…" I began to tell her all that Hiei had told me to say and more. I told her that me and Hiei only wanted to see how all of our friends would react if they thought that we were seeing each other. After my explanation my mother looked extremely skeptical… 

"Alright Shuuichi." she nodded slightly. "I'll leave you two alone then, but it is getting dark outside, so your friend might want to leave soon."

"Alright mother." I whispered.

She nodded and walked out of the room. Hiei then watched as I securely locked the door behind her. Once I had it locked he ran to me and threw his arms around my waist. I could feel his warm tears soaking through the thin fabric of my outfit. I slowly wrapped my arms around his tiny but strong frame. "I'm sorry that I ever accused you of not caring…"

"Don't apologize to me Kurama…I am the one who should…"

"No Hiei, it isn't your fault that you were scared." I whispered, cutting off his speech and trying to comfort him. "Whatever I said and did over the last two months can be repaired…it can all be fixed. It will eventually be as if nothing has happened… Don't worry about that."

"I wasn't" He whispered, nuzzling his head against my chest. "I never should have ran though… I should have known that it would hurt you if I did."

"Hiei…" I whispered, picking him up and putting him on the bed, you should know that I bounce back from things. After all that I have been through in my three hundred years of existence. I wouldn't have been able to survive this long if I didn't…"

"Sure you would have… you never really tried to love when you were Yoko did you? You stayed alone and solitary for that very reason… to avoid heartbreak."

"No." I whispered. "I had companions. Kuronue was my companion for a long time…"

"And it destroyed you when he was killed…"

"Not entirely. Because I did have my chance to love him…and he gave his life to protect mine. He wouldn't let me turn back to try and help him. And if I look back now, with unclouded eyes, I see that I wouldn't have been able to save him had I went back. I would have only made there be two casualties that day instead of only one."

"I'll never leave you again I swear it." Hiei looked up at me. "But we still have a long way to go, don't we? We still have many problems to work out?"

"Yes… Because I still want to know exactly what it was that made you so afraid to stay here with me. I still want to know why it took you two months to come back. I still want to know so many things." I kissed him softly on the forehead. "But not right now. Right now I want to go to sleep with you in my arms and be able to know that I have you back and that I will never loose you for any reason again. I want to sleep soundly for the first night in two very long months."

He smiled and laid down beside me. " I love you Kurama." He whispered.

"I love you too."

I hope you like the second chapter. I think that I may just wrap this one up in the next chapter. I know it wasn't a very long one, but, I'll start on my next fic as soon as this one is done. Please review.

~Khaos Angel 


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